Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
