Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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