I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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