You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
