Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
