Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
