At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
