my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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