Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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