Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
