Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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