yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Let the clothes fall where they may.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
