As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
