I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
