Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
