Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
