White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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