Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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