1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
