I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
