wrigley field is MILF paradise
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
