She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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