i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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