I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Randomize
