You're so nebulous sometimes
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
