I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
