I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
