dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
