Who did Billy Mays play for?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
