garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Randomize
