Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
