Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
