I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Randomize
