My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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