Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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