Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
