um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
