I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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