piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
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