Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
