I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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