Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
