worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
