i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
