It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
