Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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