What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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