OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
