The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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