If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
